I have kinda been avoiding my blog like the plague lately. I didn’t want to put anything out there that people wouldn’t want to read, like the story of my crazy life. Then I had an epiphany- that is exactly the whole point of this thing, for me to get my thoughts out and maybe help someone else in the process. If someone doesn’t like it, then don’t read, right? It’s that simple.
So October 4th was the end of a chapter in my life- my divorce hearing. I flew home for approximately 72 hours which was just enough time for me to do what needed to be done and then escape back to Seattle.
Sitting in that courtroom was the strangest feeling I have ever experienced. Pure sadness, anger, happiness, disappointment and nausea engulfed me all at the same time. Standing next to him and not saying a word, as if we were complete strangers was the most surreal experience ever.
The judge was a lady, bold and somewhat intimidating, as she sat there with her robe and her glasses hanging off the tip of her nose like an old librarian as she looked at the two of us. She looked over our paperwork that had been submitted and she asked us a bunch of questions – the first of which was “is it true that you married on April the 13th, 2014?” and he (quickly) said “yes”. I said “no” and everyone looked at me in total dismay and confusion- we married on SEPTEMBER 13th, not April- the judge had mis- read and he couldn’t even remember the God Damn day that we married! Like are you kidding me, is this some kind of sick joke!? Then the judge asked a few more questions and grants us the divorce and “allows” me to resume my maiden name, and that was it. Done. Over. Just like that. 7 years of my life and commitment down the toilet in less than 5 mintes. I felt like I was in some freaky twilight and it was all just a bad nightmare and I was going to wake up and laugh to myself for being so ridiculous for believing that something like this could ever happen. But it wasn’t a dream, it did happen . It was my reality and it hit me like a lead ballon.
According to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, there are 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I believe I have gone in and out of each one of those stages at least a few times every day since then. Part of me wants to believe that he will call and apologize and say he wants me back and that it was all a big mistake. The other part of me is glad that I can move on and that he can be someone else’s problem. Again, funny twisted twilight. I keep reminding myself that I am better now and that I am free to do what I want when I want which is great. But there is a part of me that longs for that comfort of being comfortable again. When I was seeing my amazing therapist, she kept telling me to do things for ME, things I didn’t do before because I was focused on the marriage and that life, which is why I decided to travel. I went shopping the other day and spent more money than I’d like to share, but it was so invigorating because I didn’t have to answer to anyone about my coach wallet or my Sephora makeup because it was MY money. That was some great therapy.
Sometimes I get bored being cooped up in my apartment so I will just walk. No particular destination in mind, just go out and explore, sit at a park, find a hole in the wall restaurant to eat, journal, people watch, whatever. It sounds silly but it is so cleansing for the mind and soul to just wander around with no care or plan. Not only is it good for the mind, but it’s good for the legs, glutes and heart because I swear the whole city is uphill! 😆
So the moral of the story? Don’t get divorced, unless you want to have sore feet and killer glutes. I’m kidding (sort of), but really, I’m learning more every day that the universe hands you cards that you may not have wanted to play, you just have to be creative and throw on your best poker face and play your little heart out.
Real life, Real nurse 
Great job Emily! Everyone is quick to judge but until they have gone through a divorce or lived the life that lead up to it they couldn’t possibly understand what one goes through before and after he process! I’m glad you get to follow your dream and find yourself again too. I give you alot of credit for venturing out far away from friends and and family at a time their needed most. Thats very brave of you! Always remember that Everything happens for a reason.
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Emily I am still going through all those stages and relieving the court room experience, and I am still waiting for the same apology…It was 30 years of my life….and it still not any better my friend but like they say everything happens for a reason I am still waiting for my good reason to justify this non-since.
Hang in there kid you deserve better.
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