Category: Uncategorized

Gosh! I didn’t realize I haven’t posted anything since the beginning of November! Sorry!! I don’t know what I was doing that was so important to keep me away from this! 

So as most of you know (thanks to the stalker-like nature of social media) I went back home for almost two weeks for my birthday, Christmas and New Year’s. It was a very strange experience going home. Not what I was expecting in the least. My expectation was that I’d go home, see my friends and family, and feel this sense of “home” or “inner peace” or whatever you would want to call it. Then I’d come back to Seattle and feel new, refreshed, invigorated. 

So here’s what actually happened.I did get to see some family and friends and co-workers which was great. For those of you I missed, I am terribly sorry and will definitely reach out next time (if/when) I make it back to MA. Just know that if you ever want to get away, I always have  place for you to stay! Anyway, so I saw all these great people, but I never felt that sense of being “home” Also remaining fully aware that their lives will go back to the way it was before I came home. I was driving around town, thinking,  “why did I even come here?” Is that a bad thing? Does that make me a bad person? I don’t think so. If anything, I think it just reassured me that I had made the right decision to get out and wander. I was chomping at the bit almost the entire time to come back to Seattle. It was like being home brought up all theses ghosts that deserved to be laid to rest.

Some people believe that I took off to Seattle to escape my problems and my past so that I wouldn’t have to face them, or deal with them, or handle business (as some would say). That maybe is partially true. I took off to Seattle because I knew that I would not move on or grow as a person, or professional without making a change at this point in my life and career. There is  difference, slight as it may be. 

I strongly believe that things or people are in your past for a reason. I believe that you focus on the now and move forward which helps me cope with many issues in life. If you “go back” in time to try and fix, or work out whatever issue you had, it just brings a whole new box full of emotions and disappointments that belong dead and buried. 

Speaking of ghosts, I had several…”encounters” we’ll call them. Now, some ghosts are fine and don’t bother you, they just make their presence known but some are just downright strange and haunting. I don’t know if there was something in the moon, or something in the water, but several men from my past had reached out to me while I was home. These are people I haven’t spoken to in YEARS (may I remind you I was with my ex for over 7 years, so more than that). It’s very interesting when you encounter these ghosts because you instantly go into this mode of “why the hell are you speaking to me?” And then the thought of “there’s a reason you’re in my past” comes forward in the pool of thoughts. The genuinely nice part of me wants to believe that they’re truly just being friendly and want to catch up. The most recent, realistic version of me, knows that they most likely had alternative plans. So I treaded lightly, and sure enough some true colors began to show and I had to bury them yet again. There were a couple ghosts that I had reached out to because I truly wanted to catch up and hang out, also remaining fully aware that their lives will go back to the way it was before I came home. My time with them was really great and I’m thankful for the time I got to spend with them. 

So here I am, back in Seattle, and I was so relieved to come back last night. I just felt this comfort knowing that my ghosts are buried, I made the right decision to come here and now I can focus on the here and now, moving on to the future. 

I need to get better at blogging as I go. By the time I sit down to write, I have so much to say, I could go on and on.

Saturday will be the end of my first travel contract! 13 weeks already! I can’t believe it. I’m really growing fond of the Pacific Northwest (or PNW) as the locals call it. I extended my contract here until the beginning of February. It really was more for convenience, so I wouldn’t have to move around the holidays. I am seriously considering coming back here in the summer to get in some great scenery by way of hiking! My next stop (hopefully) is California. The RN license takes forever, so I have my fingers crossed it will come in time. I need to be somewhere warm and sunny and close to the beach.

I’m starting to get out more, be more social. There are some travel nurses here I’ve become friendly with. A couple of us went to Portland, OR last weekend. It was the first time I had a girls weekend in a long time (probably since my catastrophic bachelorette party)! We had a great time and it was no stress, do what we want kind of weekend. We met some cool people while we were up there and it really opened my eyes to how cool the “traveling lifestyle” could be. Just great people making great memories.

I’ve even gone on a couple of “dates” I guess you could call them. Some good, some not so good but I guess that’s part of this whole thing, right? Obviously not anything long term here, just looking to meet new, cool, intriguing people and so far I’ve succeeded.

I went to a Seattle Sounders  (soccer team) game  last night. I don’t even really like soccer but I got to see CenturyLink stadium without seeing the Seahawks! Bonus points for me! 😆 all kidding aside, it was a lot of fun. A friend had told me they were playing some big championship game, and I had the night off, so two hours before the game I went online and searched for a single ticket and scored an amazing seat! I had a great time and became friendly with the people around me. I got to experience the stadium and their “rituals” which are not the same as those at Gillette, but they are still pretty cool. They won, too which is always nice. Cue the confetti and cool after parties.

I am going to be flying home for two weeks for christmas/ New years. Then starts the journey of changing my last name back to my maiden name, which it will stay of the rest of eternity because I’m not going through all this shenanigans again. What a pain in the butt!

There’s a ton of Christmas-y things here I want to do before I head home. This whole working thing is seriously impacting my exploration plans! If only we could travel and not worry about time, or work, or money. I believe people would be so much happier. 

This weekend I work 4-12hour shifts = 48 hours in 4 days! I wish I had the weekends off because that’s when all the cool stuff happens. Oh well #nurselife

I’m prepping myself for the weekend. I’m working 36 hours in 3 days! Yay! NOT!! It will be good though because it’s supposed to rain here so it will keep me busy. However, it IS daylight savings which means an extra hour (so 37 hours) AND a full moon, so basically I’m DOOMED! I’m kidding (sorta)! I’m sure it will be fine. I cooked some tortellini so ill have something to eat without thinking about it. My laundry will be done. So all I have to do is work and sleep and shower and eat. Easy cheese. 

I applied for my California RN license which apparently takes FOREVER! I don’t understand- I can literally practice in any state, but I have to apply individually to each one. It’s all about the state getting income!  Absolutely ridiculous. We all sit for the same NCLEX exam, it should be a national license. That would certainly make this travel thing a whole lot easier. 

I’m thinking San Diego area maybe, LA, who knows. Somewhere hot and sunny. That’s what I’m looking for. My recruiter (who is amazing) is already working on it.

I went out yesterday with a fellow travel nurse who is great! She was going through the same kind of situation as I, so it was so nice to have a women’s perspective on things! She’s really nice and funny and just a good soul to be around. It’s amazing what a little girl time will do to boost your spirits. 
Hopefully the girls I’ve connected with here will turn into friendships and connections for a long time. Maybe our traveling paths will cross again down the road. That would be really neat.  

Well that’s all for today, nothing exciting really- sorry guys, but sometimes that is just real life. 

I have kinda been avoiding my blog like the plague lately. I didn’t want to put anything out there that people wouldn’t want to read, like the story of my crazy life. Then I had an epiphany- that is exactly the whole point of this thing, for me to get my thoughts out and maybe help someone else in the process. If someone doesn’t like it, then don’t read, right? It’s that simple. 

So October 4th was the end of a chapter in my life- my divorce hearing. I flew home for approximately 72 hours which was just enough time for me to do what needed to be done and then escape back to Seattle. 

Sitting in that courtroom was the strangest feeling I have ever experienced. Pure sadness, anger, happiness, disappointment and nausea engulfed me all at the same time. Standing next to him and not saying a word, as if we were complete strangers was the most surreal experience ever. 

The judge was a lady, bold and somewhat intimidating, as she sat there with her robe and her glasses hanging off the tip of her nose like an old librarian as she looked at the two of us. She looked over our paperwork that had been submitted and she asked us a bunch of questions – the first of which was “is it true that you married on April the 13th, 2014?” and he (quickly) said “yes”. I said “no” and everyone looked at me in total dismay and confusion- we married on SEPTEMBER 13th, not April-  the judge had mis- read and he couldn’t even remember the God Damn day that we married! Like are you kidding me, is this some kind of sick joke!?  Then the judge asked a few more questions and grants us the divorce and “allows” me to resume my maiden name, and that was it. Done. Over. Just like that. 7 years of my life and commitment down the toilet in less than 5 mintes. I felt like I was in some freaky twilight and it was all just a bad nightmare and I was going to wake up and laugh to myself for being so ridiculous for believing that something like this could ever happen. But it wasn’t a dream, it did happen . It was my reality and it hit me like a lead ballon. 

According to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, there are 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I believe I have gone in and out of each one of those stages at least a few times every day since then.  Part of me wants to believe that he will call and apologize and say he wants me back and that it was all a big mistake. The other part of me is glad that I can move on and that he can be someone else’s problem. Again, funny twisted twilight. I keep reminding myself that I am better now and that I am free to do what I want when I want which is great. But there is a part of me that longs for that comfort of being comfortable again.  When I was seeing my amazing therapist, she kept telling me to do things for ME, things I didn’t do before because I was focused on the marriage and that life, which is why I decided to travel. I went shopping the other day and spent more money than I’d like to share, but it was so invigorating because I didn’t have to answer to anyone about my coach wallet or my Sephora makeup because it was MY money. That was some great therapy. 

Sometimes I get bored being cooped up in my apartment so I will just walk. No particular destination in mind, just go out and explore, sit at a park, find a hole in the wall restaurant to eat, journal, people watch, whatever. It sounds silly but it is so cleansing for the mind and soul to just wander around with no care or plan. Not only is it good for the mind,  but it’s good for the legs, glutes and heart because I swear the whole city is uphill! 😆    

So the moral of the story? Don’t get divorced, unless you want to have sore feet and killer glutes. I’m kidding (sort of), but really, I’m learning more every day that the universe hands you cards that you may not have wanted to play, you just have to be creative and throw on your best poker face and play your little heart out. 

 

It’s been a few days and I am finally starting to settle in a bit more. I have explored much of the city and seen some amazing things. I am starting to become more friendly with the people at work. I have even exchanged contact info with some other travelers!

Even though Seattle is a big city, I have found a way to break it down and make it so it’s not so overwhelming. Of course, me being the “Type A” personality that I am,  just broke it down by neighborhood. I then pick one that I want to check out or a specific attraction that sounds  cool, and look for things nearby.

As far as the job, I am starting to adjust to the “baby factory” mentality, slightly. It is a very interesting and very different point of view than what I’m used to. That doesn’t make it bad, just different. Something else that is interesting is that there are so many cool things I’ve seen here that I’ve never seen before. I had my first forceps delivery the other day, which was scary and exciting all at the same time, when done properly, forceps can save mom from having a c-section birth which brings a whole list of potential risks and complications including a longer, often more painful recovery. I have had more natural births here than I have in my 4 years of being a labor nurse, which I think is the coolest thing ever! Women are allowed to labor not being attached to monitors or IV fluids if their conditions allow. They have totally wireless monitord which are so cool, and allow mom to MOVE even if she has to be continually monitored for some reason. They have Jacuzzi tubs in EVERY labor room!!!!!! Many women use doulas, and are empowered and educated on their own bodies and the birth process. Sometimes that’s a good thing, and sometimes I need to remind them that sometimes their sources aren’t the most reliable and perhaps they needed some re-education. The support coaches are actually supportive- I have yet to see one support coach in a corner or their cell phone, or watching tv, or reading magazine. They are at the moms side, feeding ice chips, rubbing their legs or their back, helping them through their labor as it should be. Women are allowed to make noise! What a crazy notion! Labor hurts people!!!! We are so quick to tell them “shush” or “you’ll scare the woman next door”. We forget so quickly that labor is an out of body experience that is sometimes beyond the control of the woman and turns into instinct. When we shut that down, we disappoint, discourage and ultimately diminish the woman’s ability to “naturally” labor and then therefore set her up for no other choice than an epidural. Now I’m not saying that every woman who comes in kicking and screaming and threatening her husband with a divorce needs to labor naturally by any stretch of the imagination. What I am saying is that if a woman wants to have a natural labor, we should be able to educate and empower her and coach her through the process without her feeling like she has failed because she couldn’t keep her mouth shut.

Now, I know I can’t change the world. I have realized that a long time ago. What I would like to do is to alter my practices for the better. Take the good with me where ever I go, and leave the not-so-good behind. I am hoping to reach more people with this blog to help not only me get my thoughts out, but to help other people. I want to at least get a very real conversation started on all things life, hopefully to raise awareness and bring attention which then may eventually bring change.

 

So I was talking with my patient last night about cool things to do in the area and she suggested Alki beach in West Seattle, and of course the ocean lover in me knew that was something I had to check out. When I woke up this afternoon and the sun was shining, I knew it was a perfect opportunity. It only took 20 minutes to drive from my apartment, there was free parking and it was stunning! The view of downtown was like you were on the outside looking it (that’s because I kinda was). Then, I look over to my left and there are mountains in the background that words cannot even describe. I gotta figure out a way to get pictures onto my posts. There is a walking path about 2.5 miles long alongside the ocean and the beach and there are beautiful waterfront homes and a couple restaurants. I stopped into Duke’s Chowder house for happy hour and had a blueberry lemon drop (YUM) and a bowl of chowder. It was definitely not Massachusetts chowder, but it filled my belly.  As I walked, there were people who would smile and actually say hello. Imagine that! There were people rollerblading, bicycling, walking, or just sitting at the waters edge to read. I sat for a short time and did some journaling and then headed back on my adventure. I looked out into the water and there were harbor seals poking their heads out of the water and playing! So cool! Tried to get a picture of them but they were to far and too fast for me.

This city has so many cool places and things to do, I’ve started  “wish list” to keep Track. I’m hoping to cross them all off, but if I don’t it just gives me an excuse to come back!

It’s amazing what you find when u just do a little wondering.

Here I sit in the break room, at 3 am. My first break in 8 hours  I can’t call/text anyone back home because it’s 6am there on a Saturday and that would be frowned upon. Not having anyone to text on your break is a bummer. Although, I guess some conversation with my fellow co-works would be nice. Oh wait, I’m in here alone it’s ok cuz they talk to me at the desk, so don’t think I’m a total loner! So I had one baby (so far) today and avoided the OR! Which, in l&d nurse lingo means best shift ever! I still feel like a fish out of water. With two separate labor units I have to re-orient seemingly every day. Today,  my biggest struggle was finding clean towels! I guess on the grand scale- that is not so bad. My patient was greatful and her baby was beautiful so that’s all that matters! I still think about my CMH and SMH peeps back home-how I know we had each other’s backs,  and how I know where the rooms are and where things are located within each room- that comfort is hard to let go of. I know the doctors and what they want/like/expect. Here idk if the person in the room is a doctor, a student, a doula, or a dietary assistant! I literally have to write down the name of the person, their credentials and how to contact them if I need them should they leave my patients’ rooms! 😂

Earlier today, before work, I didn’t do much of anything. I had a rough morning emotionally for a multitude of reasons, and didn’t want to be super woman today. So, I got out of bed, made the bed (I think), ate three meals and drank my daily water intake. I showered and brushed my teeth- and headed into work. Let’s be real-somedays, that’s all you want to do, and it’s ok to do that SOMETIMES, but not everyday. 

This is my first of 4 shifts in a row and I know I’m gonna go home and (hopefully) sleep away most of the day before coming back at it.  I will be happy with just eating enough, sleeping enough and drinking enough water for the next 3 days. I will come out on the other end as a better (exhausted) nurse, person, and Seattle explorer. 

This is my first blog post!! I drove cross country from MA to Washington to escape my crazy, dramatic life and so far this has been a wild ride! If you ever get a chance to take a cross- country road trip- DO IT!!!! It is amazing the things you would never otherwise see. I was lucky enough to have a special guy come with me along for the trip 😉 I wouldn’t recommend going alone because there are periods where you drive for hours upon hours with NOTHING in sight which can get very boring. Settling in here in Washington was a little scary but a lot of exciting. My agency was great in helping my transition and my apartment was great, except apparently air conditioning is not a thing here. Who knew? So it was literally an oven arriving during the hottest weeks of the summer but now I’m in an apartment with more windows, a better breeze and the weather has cooled down so it is much more bearable! Thank God. I have explored a lot of the city with that special guy I mentioned earlier- but he left to go back home on Monday and I miss him like crazy. It is kinda lonely living alone (which is something I’ve never done). I lived with him back in MA, but we both need some “me time” separately after both getting divorced. I have started to learn I have to keep busy to keep me from getting depressed or going nuts. I have started going back to the gym which is one of my passions. And I really have to plan out my whole day, what to eat, what errands to run, etc. 

My adjustments to my new job was interesting to say the least. I went from a hospital where I was very invested- taking the role of charge nurse, mentoring, precepting, teaching childbirth classes, etc to basically being a nobody at the bottom of the totem pole. Talk about humbling. They didn’t care that I had 3 professional certifications or that I drove ACROSS COUNTRY to work there or was going through the biggest changes in my life. They cared only that I could take care of a patient delivering a baby- period. They deliver 700-1000 babies A MONTH! They didn’t have time for my dramatic soap opera story.  I was accustomed to a facility that delivered approximately 150 per month, where my co-workers are like a second family. Huge culture shock. My first 12 hour shift orientation day I had assisted in 2 c sections, one vaginal delivery AND admitted another patient who was going to have a csection. As I left that afternoon, almost in tears, I thought this has got to be a joke. There is no way I can do this everyday. Come to find out (fortunately) that they just wanted me to see as much as I could out of the gate because I only had three days of orientation. It has since calmed, slightly. I like the convenience of 12 hr shifts. Having 4 days off a week is nice when I want to explore the city and do fun things. Not so nice when i don’t really want to do things alone.

Walking to and from work is very convenient (now that I don’t get lost anymore). I still keep my GPS on just for my own reassurance that I’m going in the right direction.

I think that’s plenty for today! More updates to come. I’m working a 4 day weekend (48 hours in 4 days) 😑 so I will write if when I get a chance!